Everybody Talks
by LittleBloodyJ
Summary: AU for 2x15. They took Chuck- they took him and then nobody could find him. Three years later Casey and Sarah are kidnapped but the man who takes them... isn't who they remember. Will they be able to save the one person they let down?
1. Darkness

**A/N: H**ey guys! This is my first Chuck fanfiction! Yey!  
Emm... TOTALLY AU. I'm not really sure of this one... But I hope you like anyway. :-)

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**Summary**: AU for 2x15. They took Chuck- they took him and then nobody could find him. Three years later Casey and Sarah are kidnapped but the man who takes them... isn't who they remember. Will they be able to save the one person they let down?

**Warnings: **Torture, brainwashing and sadness.  
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Pairings: **Chuck and multiple characters.

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**Darkness. **_Silence._**Screaming. **_Talking._**Flesh breaking. **_Promises._**Fear. **_Bravery._**Fists. **_Iron._**Gasps. **_Water._**No oxygen. **_Fighting._**Running. **_Loosing._**Climbing. **_Falling._**Reaching. **_Knife._**Dying. **_Waking up._**Crying. **_Remembering._**Forgetting. **_Scratching._**Emptiness. **_Alone._**Watching. **_Dreaming._**Hope. **_Bleeding._**Crying for help. **_Nobody coming._**Hungry. **_Thirsty._**Tired. **_Trying._**Denying. **_Admitting._**Bright. **_Hiding._**Curling up. **_Breaking._**No time. **_Sound of footsteps._**Trying. **_Questions._**Whimper. **_Begging._**Questions. **_Names._**Pausing. **_Waiting._**Giving up. **_Scared. _**Offers. **_So much blood._**Nothing left. **_Faded memories._**Lies. **_Noise._**Letting go. **_Forgetting._**Broken. **_Lost._**Going. **_Hopeless._**Nameless. **_Ruined._**Changed. **_Questions._**Gone. **_Forgotten._

Chuck had been taken as Sarah had been helpless. He had screamed her name and she had been useless. They dragged him away from her and then... then it was silent. They had taken him and just left her hanging there. By the time Casey arrived she just hung with her head hanging down, tears rolling down her pale face. Her throat hurt from screaming for Chuck. She knew that if they took him he would just disappear. She did not want him to be hurt so she pulled against the chains so hard she bled. She tried and tried but she could not get free. She had let them take Chuck. She had failed and she had let him down. She had been unable to save him. So when Casey came she was silent. When Casey arrived gun in hand she did not say anything but three little words that would change both their lives. "You're too late." Casey was too late. Chuck, innocent Chuck was lost to people who would torture him to death. They were going to hurt him beyond belief and she could not save him. She could not get to him and it hurt. "You're too late." She whispered it again and again like she was on loop. When Casey pulled her down she whispered the only other words that would leave her mouth that cruel, twisted night. "I couldn't save him... they took him." She fell limp in Casey's arms, "They took him." They had taken Chuck and there was nothing they would be able to do.

It was another three hours before they found Chuck's belongings burning in what remained of a car. A single, male body lay inside the boot and it was clear it was unrecognisable to normal police- Casey and Sarah were the only ones who knew the truth. It was not Chuck in the car but there was no way to tell anyone that. The only thing Sarah could do was walk up to Chuck's house and ring the bell. All she could do was cry the moment Chuck's big sister opened the door and froze at the sight of the broken woman before her.  
"No..." She gasped, suddenly moving in slow motion as a hand moved to her lips. "No." Sarah looked back at the other woman, and for the first time in her life she was speechless.  
"I'm so sorry..." She was sorry. Sorry for having to lie. Sorry for not being able to save her little brother. Sorry for not looking for him. Sorry for not knowing what to say. "There was a car crash..." The cover story was simple. Chuck's breaks did not work and he smashed into a tree. He died on impact. He died a normal death. God Sarah hated it. They had no idea how to find Chuck and every single moment he could be dying. She wanted to cry and she allowed herself to. Even Casey had frozen earlier when he had been told. He was too late. They had failed in protecting the kid. They had allowed him to be taken and Casey suddenly wanted blood. Chuck was just a young man; he never wanted to be a spy. He had just wanted a normal life but the moment he opened one email he lost all chances of that happening. It wasn't fair. It was sick and twisted but the bad guys had taken Chuck and he did not stand a chance, especially after they found out who (what) he was. It was bloody sick.

The hardest moment in both their careers was the funeral. There were so many different people all there to celebrate his life and mourn his death. Nobody there was not crying (even Casey had to let a single tears roll down his hard face) the moment the coffin touched the earth. Ellie fell to her knees and wept as words were said about her brother. She had promised to protect him. She had failed and as Devon wrapped his arms around her and dragged her away nobody knew what to do apart from look at the slim grave and wander what could have been. Sarah wandered where Chuck had gone- but both her and Casey's sides had given up. The next day they would both be reassigned to different missions. Chuck was pronounced as dead – killed in action. Nobody saw the point of looking for him more than what they had; he was a small little geek. He would have already broken. Sarah knew (hoped) he had not told them he was the intersect and she hoped her faith in him was well based. The Government decided he was dead so there was nothing Casey or she could do. Chuck was _killed in action_. He wasn't even a proper spy and he had died for nothing. He died and people cried.

"I'm leaving." She spoke after nearly an hour of sitting next to Ellie on the ground. "Tomorrow." Ellie said nothing. "I can't stay here- I'm sorry." She could not stop saying she was sorry. She had let Chuck down and Ellie did not know how brave her brother had been. She thought he had died in that car crash and Sarah wished she could believe that as well. If she believed it she would stop dreaming of Chuck being tortured. If she believed he was dead it would not hurt so much. "I can't stay here." She whispered the words again. Even if she could, would she? Probably not. There were so many memories... No. Even if she could stay she wouldn't have. She would not have been able to. "I'm sorry." She really was sorry. If Ellie knew what for she would not have said what she said next.  
"It's not your fault," Ellie kept on sobbing. "He loved you so much for the little time he knew you. You're lucky."  
"I know." The world fell down around Sarah. It was her fault and it was too late. She had to leave the next day and then she had to forget. It was like mission impossible, there was nothing she could do apart from go along with it.

Casey also had to leave the next day, but while he kept all his feelings boxed inside he still hurt. Chuck was a good kid and he did not deserve whatever happened to him. Casey wasn't even allowed to look for him. It was heartbreaking but it had been over two weeks so Chuck was probably already dead. Chuck was dead. Casey never thought he would care so much but he did. Yet, there was nothing he could do. Before he knew it the vase next to him lay smashed on the floor and he pressed his face into his hands. One more day and then he could burn the horrible black suit he had worn for the funeral. One more day and he could just move on and forget. Simple.

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

If either of the agents knew the truth they would never have left- but they did not know.  
Chuck was left behind.

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

_Screaming. _**Biting. **_Darkness. _**Cold. **_Wet._ **Lost.** _Trying. _**Failing. **_Questions._ **Fear. **_Questions._ **Gasps. **_Questions. _**Begging. **_Bravery. _**Dirty. **_Worthless. _**Crawling. **_Bleeding. _**Choking. **_Hoping. _**Scared. **_Questions. _**Too much hurt. **_Light. _**Loud. **_Tied down. _**Sharp blades. **_Blunt._ **Fading. **_Blinking. _**Drowning. **_Reaching. _**Hurting. **_Burning. _**Lost. **_Plain. _**Unable to continue. **_No options. _**Watching. **_Questions. _**Love. **_Hate. _**Hoping. **_Alone. _**Punches. **_Breaking. _**Crunching. **_Screams. _**Falling. **_Questions. _**Denying. **_Lying. _**Short. **_Long. _**Slipping. **_Crying. _**Hiding. **_Questions._

Chuck was tied down in the cell, his eyes not leaving the wall in front of him. He just stared even when the man walked around him. It hurt. Everything hurt.  
"You can stop all this-" The man whispered almost gently, "Just tell us what we want to know."  
Chuck looked up from the dot on the gray wall and into the man's gray eyes. "I..." He stopped before flashing a smirk. "Nah." Adrenaline was the only thing keeping him going. The moment it went he would break. He knew it but he was not telling them anything without a fight. He had to protect Sarah and Casey. He had to protect Ellie, Devon and Morgan. He had to protect everyone but himself. Casey and Sarah had to be coming soon... right? They couldn't leave him. They wouldn't leave him would they? He knew not how long he had been there- it could have been weeks or hours. From the state of recovery of his hand he would have about two weeks. He had lasted two weeks and not a peep from those who were meant to protect him. Why had they not come? Surely they were coming- they had to be. Sarah would never leave him there and Ellie would have noticed he was gone by then. They were coming, he was sure of it and until they did arrive he had to be strong.

"They aren't going to save you." The man was lying, Chuck was sure of it. "They aren't even coming." Yes they were. Two weeks (and a day) later they _had_ to be coming. Right? "Give up now kid and tell us what we want to know." Blood filled Chuck's mouth after the next punch. "I can make all this end." Sarah and Casey would be there any second. He knew it.  
"C-Ca-Case-Casey..." He gasped out, chocking on his own blood. "I-is g-go-go-going to k-kill you." He glared at the man with a new found hatred. Casey was going to kill him nice and slow- maybe Chuck would do it himself. That was odd... he had never thought of killing another person before, never mind torturing them. Why couldn't they hurry up? Their usual missions did not take half as long. Maybe they were just outside the cell, waiting for their move.  
"He isn't coming." The man grinned as he pulled out what Chuck had worked out to be his favourite knife. "Nobody is and even if they do-" He leaned in closer to Chuck, "They think I'm one of the good guys."  
"I'm not telling you anything." Chuck was shaking. Why was it taking so long for them to save him?  
The man laughed again as he placed a hand on Chuck's thigh and the other hand (which still balanced the knife) clutched his hair and pulled his head back. Chuck stopped himself from crying out as he looked into the cruel eyes before him. He just had to wait for Sarah and Casey. They would be there in a minuet and Sarah would be proud of how brave he had been. They would take him home and he would be okay.  
"Oh but you are little Chuckles." The man's British accent was strong as he said the last word. "Do you want to know how I know that?" Chuck was frozen with fear as the man grinned like a Cheshire cat. "So? Do you want to know?" Chuck kept on staring up as the man leaned in.

The man's lips were not even a centimetre away from Chuck's ear as the hand that held the knife moved down until the blade was on his neck. "I know it because of one fact I lead my life by." The knife pushed down and Chuck bit his lip so hard it bled. Fear was stronger than pain in that second. "Just one fact." The man's breath was hot down the side of Chuck's neck. "Do you want to know this fact?" Chuck swallowed. No, he didn't want anything but to go home. He never asked for any of what was happening and yet it still happened. He just wanted a normal life and yet he could not. The next two words the man told him would engrave themselves in his soul- they were the same words Sarah had told him. They were the words he did not want to believe.

"Everyone talks."

The knife was pressed down.

**Trying.** _Grasping. _**Slipping. **_Falling. _**Climbing. **_Hoping. _**Crying. **_Escaping. _**Being caught. **_Giving up. _**Clinging. **_Praying. _**Empty. **_Pain._ **Running. **_Smashing. _**Breaking. **_Watching. _**Blinking. **_Breathing. _**Struggle. **_Too far. _**Not far enough. **_Fear. _**Strong. **_Weak. _**Brave. **_Scared._ **Alone. **_Abandoned. _**Left. **_Forgotten. _**Sinking. **_Changing. _**Nasty. **_Kind. _**Useless. **_Questions. _**Silence. **_Screaming. _**Muttering. **_Questions. _**Pain. **_Surrender. _**Answers. **_Bleeding. _**Crying.**

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I hope you like it so far- Do you want more? Please tell me what you think!  
Reviews make life worth living. :) Like a wise man told me, believe and others will. Should I believe? :P

**Love,  
J.**


	2. Need

**A/N: H**ey! Emmm... WOW! THANK YOU for the amazing reviews- really- I can't thank you all enough! :) Sorry about the timing but I've just got home and it's midnight here in England so I'm half asleep as I type (and post) this.  
I hope you enjoy...

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_Need. _**Sorrow.** _Pain._ **Loss. **_Desperation. _**Confusion. **_Mistakes. _**Time. **_Years._ **Hopeless. **_Failed. _**Child. **_Nothing._ **Worthless. **_Gone._ **Blind.** _Killing. _**Invisible. **_Calling card. _**Key. **_Lock._ **Shut.** _Impossible. _**Broken. **_Nameless. _**Everything. **_Joy. _**Empty. **_Different ways. _**Goodbye. **_Let go. _**Try. **_Six feet under. _**Lost. **_Hurt. _**Torture. **_Endurance. _**Fight. **_Scream._ **Names. **_Words. _**Silence.**

She was wearing her best fake smile that day. It was the anniversary of the third year since she had seen Chuck being dragged out of the room, looking like a small bambi. It was the anniversary of the moment he screamed her name and she was useless. When she was unable to move in time. It was the anniversary of the day her heart broke and the anniversary of the last time Chuck smiled. She now worked in London, she had chosen the name Ellie Barter as a small reminder of those she had left behind. The first people who had felt like family in a very long time and those she had told Chuck was already dead to. Those whose hearts she had broken. Since then, she always had to resist the urge of introducing herself as Sarah.

For Casey he went on many different missions, most seemed suicidal. He was always trying to make himself better- make himself faster. If he had been faster that day he might have been able to save Chuck. Just a single minuet faster and they might not have taken Chuck. He had been so close to saving him- but he had not been able to. He had let him down. So, Casey trained. For three years he took on ridiculous missions but his hardest one was to begin in London. There was a new killed who was killing of Government officials. The killings had started to come to light a year earlier but they suspected they had started two years earlier and it was known the two killers had started working together. Casey just saw it as another was to prove himself. Fulcrum was getting closer and Casey had no intentions of avoiding a fight. Why should he? He w_anted_ to feel something apart from the burning guilt. And his latest case was perfect to feel- the two new agents that Fulcrum had were... amazing. He had to give it to them, they did absolutely nothing wrong with any of their killings when they had not worked together but together they were pure perfection.

_The Sparrow_ had appeared two years earlier and the little information they had was the fact that The Sparrow was a girl. All other information was unknown as everyone who saw her ended up dead. She had killed seven Government agents without leaving a single trace behind herself. They had no idea how old she was, never mind who she was. The only evidence she left at every crime scene was a small card with a sparrow on it. That was the only reason they knew the murders were her. The moment she started working with _The Crow_ the card changed- and the numbers of death rose so quickly the Government's head was spinning. The Crow had started killing one year earlier and he was just as brilliant as Sparrow was. He had killed ten agents and like Sparrow, he had left cards with a Crow on it. By the time they joined together the number of agents they had killed separate and together was higher than anyone had done before. The cards changed to the shape of a crow standing in front of a fling sparrow. Bothe shapes were simple and black on the white background. In the bottom, left corner the letters C and J were written tiny and in red. The only clues to who was behind the murders.

The moment Casey walked into the room they were going to be briefed in he recognised the only other agent sitting there, her face serious as she stared out of the window. Time had not been kind on her (like it had not been on him) and dark lines were painted under her eyes. He guessed she was haunted by the same nightmares he was. Images of what they knew Fulcrum did to get information and how they killed. Images of what could have happened to their Chuck. She wore black and her hair no longer held its shine. She was still pretty but she just looked dull and faded compared to how he used to be. The love of life and little things had let her as she stared out of the window and just from her expression Casey could guess who she was thinking of.  
"Hello," Casey called out, knocking the door as if he had just entered.  
Sarah snapped out of her thoughts before turning to Casey, a small smile appearing on her face. "Hey- what are you calling yourself?" She asked the question lightly as she walked over to give him a hug. She had no idea why they were both there but it was nice to see him again.  
"Still John Casey," Casey told her, accepting the hug. "You?"  
"Sarah Barter." Sarah told him the name quickly, yet he still noticed the resemblance to Chuck's surname. He had based her new persona as close to him as possible- and Casey had done the same by keeping the same Alias. Neither of them wanted to let Chuck slip away. They did not want him (his happy laugh) or anything about him to fade away. If they let the memory of him fade away then he would be dead for real. He would be gone for good and they wouldn't be able to get him back. His memory was all they had.

It hurt to admit it but neither knew what to do without their ray of Chuck. Both had grown used to working and seeing him everyday- saving him and being saved by him. He had shown them that fighting wasn't always how they should do things and he made them laugh by how _pure_ he was with his views on life. He had wormed his way into both of their affections and the moment he left they didn't know how to cope without him. They _needed_ Chuck. What were they needed was to know what to do next- it had been a long time since either of them had cared about another who wasn't a trained agent. He was just another civilian but he was special to them.  
And they had let him down.

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

Ellie always cried on the anniversary of Chuck's 'death'. It had become a ritual. She wouldn't go to work, she'd just sit on the sofa without eating or talking and she'd stare at a picture of the two of them together. Devon would sit near her until Morgan arrived, then they would all just sit in silence. They had done the same for the last two years and that year they were going to do the same. Buy More sent flowers like they always did and as usual they were white lilies. But, unlike most years a small bunch of yellow roses was delivered. When Devon checked there was no card in-between the luscious flowers- right in the middle there was a card game with two little images on it. Devon thought nothing of it.

Morgan barely spoke in general, his bubbly nature reduced to... well, nearly nothing. He had faded in every sense and so had everyone who had ever been close to Chuck. The spot where the 'car accident' had happened still had bunches of fresh flowers, remembering the one man who had lost his life there. It was tragic yet the case for them was the same as it was for Sarah and Casey. Nobody had any idea what to do with Chuck gone. He was their default setting but he was no longer there so they couldn't function. It was _really_ tragic.

Ellie was in the worst state. She had improved from when it had first happened- but she still was not who she used to be. The first few months after Chuck's 'death' had been the worst. She had barely eaten, she had barely spoken and Devon knew she had not slept. She had just sat in a corner of Chuck's bedroom crying silently, hugging one of his jumpers close. She had just sat in that corner; numb, unable to believe what had happened. She often sat there in the night, looking at the unmade bed which still held the shape of where he had slept. Nothing had been moved. The room was just like it was when he left... it just seemed like it was waiting for his return. When Ellie sat there she'd wander why it had to be Chuck. Ellie would sit for hours when sleep did not come and she would wander why. Why, of all the bad people out there in the world the good had to suffer. Why, of all the bad people it had to be Chuck. Why did nobody save him? Why, those years ago, Chuck had changed so much before finally dying. Why, was it _her_ little brother six feet under and not somebody else's brother? Most of she'd just wander why, if there was a God up there, why would he take Chuck?

Why was it always the good that are always ruined or killed?

_Empty. _**Angry. **_Faithless. _**Alone. **_Young._ **Fire.** _Burning. _**Crying. **_Screaming. _**Denial. **_Refusal. _**Sitting. **_Holding. _**Earth. **_Wood._ **Buried. **_Begging. _**Family. **_Gone. _**Nobody.** _Dead._ **Believe. **_Refuse. _**Accept.** _Plead. _**Pray.** _Faithless. _**Ask.** _No answer._ **Scream.** _Silence._ **Breathe.** _Choke._ **Gasp.** _Sink._ **Shrink.** _Hold._ **Hide. **_Die. _

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

_No._ **Choke. **_Claw._ **Hit.** _Scream._ **Breathe.** _Scared. _**Bleeding.** _Dark._ **Yes.** _Breaking point._ **Blind.** _Hurting. _**Kicking.** _No way out._ **Fear.** _Trapped._ **Coffin.** _Hard._ **Cold.** _Numb._ **No. **_Yes. _**Scratching. **_Pushing. _**Crying. **_Breaking. _**Screaming.**

Chuck broke after being captive two months. He had survived an endless list of different types of torture to finally break and the one that did break him was the one that changed him forever. They buried him alive in a small coffin and left him there three days. He was barely alive by the time they pulled him out; the tank of air they had placed to keep him alive was practically empty. His vision was finally going as the light seeped in and he felt strong hands pull him up. Those moments he thought it was over where the final moments of peace he got.

His hands were covered in blood, wood chippings under his few remaining nails. His voice seemed to be gone from the lack of water and his screaming. He had screamed and screamed but nobody had saved him. When nobody came it was the moment the fact he realised in the corner of his panicked mind- nobody was going to arrive to save him from the big, evil men who had placed him there. Nobody was even looking for him anymore (if they had at all). He wasn't worth it- they had chosen to leave him and he was on the very brink of death. He was so close it scared him yet at the same time he was glad. He stopped screaming after about an hour. It had taken a day before his hands were just tapping the sides of the oak coffin he was trapped in. Everything hurt as he ran his palms over the wood, begging for it to open and let him out or for him to just die. He needed to drink, he needed to go to the toilet and he needed light. He needed a hug from his sister and the promise that everything would be okay.

Chuck broke as he no longer had the strength to keep his arms up and he let them fall limp onto his bloodied chest. He couldn't do it. He couldn't cope. He was too weak... he wasn't trained to deal with torture and he wasn't strong enough to keep going. He had no idea when the last time he slept was but he knew it was a while back. He was too tired and weak to even try to keep going. He wanted to but he couldn't. It wasn't like he had any hope left to run on. He had nothing left to run on.

He wanted to go home more than anything... he just wanted to crawl home to his sister (to Sarah) and feel safe again. He wanted the comfort of his bed. He wanted just to die and have the hell his life had turned into to end. He wanted his mom and dad back. He wanted to give up. He wanted to be stronger. He wanted to kill every one of the men who had tortured him. He wanted to make them hurt like he had hurt. But, what Chuck wanted more than anything was to sleep and not wake up. He wanted many things (like to see his sister again) and he knew deep down that none of his wishes were going to happen. The only thing he could hope for was revenge and to get that he would have to work for it. He wanted revenge against everyone- he knew his sister was probably told he was dead. He had never really died until the moment he swore to himself that he was going to make the men who had made him shake with fear wept for mercy. That very second as he let his arms drop, was the moment Chuck really did die. The Chuck he used to be started to change.

When Chuck though he was going to die he was not sad. He was _happy_ that it was going to be over. He though God had finally taken mercy on him but as the lid of his coffin was moved he realised that if there was a God He was laughing at Chuck.  
_"He's barely breathing!"_ Cole's voice was distant, like a dream.  
_"Chuck?" _The other voice took a few seconds to focus on as Chuck slipped towards the darkness. "_What in God's name have you done to him? You bastards! Let go of me! CHUCK!" _The voice was panicked and Chuck desperately wanted to know who the male was. Who cared? _"CHUCK!" _Who was it?  
_"Shut up!"_ Cole snapped as Chuck felt himself being pulled up. _"Ready to talk yet kid?"  
"He doesn't know anything!" _The other man was still yelling. _"Let him go! CHUCK!"_ The voice was so very familiar... but Chuck was too far gone to care. The darkness was eating him up, submerging him.  
_"Somebody shut him up!" _Cole growled the order before Chuck felt himself touching the floor. _"So? Are you ready to tell me everything I want to know yet or shall I make you back into the box?"  
_His throat was too tight, it was too dry and it hurt too much to answer but he had to. It took all his remaining energy to open his swollen lips and move his rock tongue to give the man who held him still an answer.

"_Ready to talk yet?"  
_Chuck slowly made the words leave his mouth and with the blood that came from where he had biting his lips to calm himself down. He hated it but the answer was the only one he could give. He had no option. He really didn't.  
_"Yes." _He had never hated the word more but no matter what they would have asked him he would have agreed. Straight after he slipped into the darkness with a small bit of gratitude.  
_Yes._ And just like that, Chuck was lost as the last thing he focused on was a single crow.

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

In the present Sarah Barter received a bunch of red roses- in the middle a small card with a raven and a crow. On the anniversary of Chuck's 'death' a man lay on the roof of a nearby building, gun at hand. His aim was perfect on his target as she stopped for just a second. The Crow never missed a shot.

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So? Good? Okay? Bad? Please review and let me know! :D Or to tell me who the namless man was...  
Night, night dears!

**Love,**  
**J.**


	3. Flirt

**A/N: H**ey! Thank you (again) SO much for the reviews! I love all of you... ish. Sorry about the delay, real life is horrible. :(  
Hope you like... two chapters and then Sarah and Chuck will be together again for their own reunion. :D Some answers in this chapter but most are in the next chapter.  
Enjoy!

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**Flirt.** _Seduce._ **Change.** _Don't get caught._ **Hide.** _Slip past._ **Clever lines.** _Another name._ **Get trust.** _Get in._ **Sell yourself.** _Do what you have to. _**Worthless.** _Kiss._ **Undress.** _Lean in._ **Find a weapon. **_Tighten your grip. _**Find restraints. **_Remember your mission._ **Deepen the kiss.** _Reach for your weapon._ **Keep hold of the target.** _Don't let them see._ **Don't feel. **_Be ready._ **Lower both of you. **_Tease._ **Grip the weapon.**_ Touch the floor. _**Take a small breath.** _Smile._ **Knock the target out.** _Don't stop._ **Tie them down. **_Remember your mission._ **Forget who you were.** _Remember your mission._ **Get what you want. **_Make them talk._ **A kiss goodbye.** _Bring the weapon down._ **Stop a heart. **_Forget who you were._ **Stop caring. **_Remember your mission._ **Forget who you were.**

People often say the first mission is what changes a person. Some people say it's the training before that makes you someone (some_thing_) else. And for some, it was the first kill that they believe changes a person forever. To be honest, The Crow believed them to all be correct. He rarely thought back about how he was before- it hurt him to remember what and who he had left behind before being forced to be what he was. He had a long list of different aliases, each one different, none relatable to his past. He had no idea what to call himself, his old name was no longer him. 'The Crow' was what he was known for. He was known for _killing_ and being very good at it. He hated it but he had been so good at convincing people he had convinced himself with the same clever lines that he told others. He told himself he did not care and soon it became true. He set aside who he was in order to survive and he had seemed to have left it there for good- but part of him still was who he was. He never killed for the sake of it. He wasn't that far gone yet.

The last time he had seen his big sister was on her wedding day, when he had snuck into the house. He couldn't stop himself- he had needed to see her. She had not known he was there; she never heard a sound as he snuck into her bedroom and placed a single, small white box on her dressing table. The box had been tied by a pink ribbon (a silk ribbon) and inside was a locket. He had wanted to see her- to talk to her- to tell her he loved her so very much but as he snuck away he knew he did not wish for Ellie to see what he had become. He did not hear her small cry or see her diamond tears as she opened the locket to see the picture inside- a picture of them when they were just children. A picture of them before the world broke their hearts a thousand different ways.

That had been the moment he had really said goodbye to the old him. What torture, beatings, starvation, heartbreak and fear had not done a single goodbye had done it. He had broken after being buried alive and they had known he was the intersect- what they didn't realise was that Chuck could lie when he really wanted to. It had taken them another five days to make him speak and on the fifth day _She_ had snuck into his cell with the man who had yelled his name.  
"Oh my God..." Her gasp was small as she moved a lock of her messy hair out of her face, "Chuck?" Warm fingers touched his cheek and he could feel the man undo his restraints.  
"Jill, help me," What was the man's name? It started with a B. Was it Bruce? No, Bryce. Memories flooded his mind as they finally got him out of the ropes. "Hey buddy."  
He tried to talk yet only a small croak left his all too dry throat. He had refused to tell them what he flashed on so they placed him on the verge of death. "Shhh," He felt Bryce lift him up. "It's all going to be okay." That had been when the darkness had claimed him again. "You're safe now."

The Crow always smirked at that memory. He had been so _stupid_ to think things were going to be okay. He had been stupid to trust anyone. Sure, Bryce had taught him a lot and he had kept him alive but he had turned his back on him in the end. He had sent him to another person to train and the person he was sent to showed no mercy with trainings at all hours. Jill had been the only one who had stuck with him, even training with him to give him incentive and to make herself better. She had finished training one year before him and that had been when 'The Raven' had been born. His first kill had been a double agent called 'Katrina Rion' and he would never forget the smell of the blood just after he pulled the trigger. That had been one of the things that had changed him.

He couldn't call himself Chuck anymore- and he never allowed any of the three people who knew his real name to call him it. Chuck was gone, buried deep within him. He never allowed the old Chuck to wake up because, if he ever did, he would not be able to live with the things he had done. No matter how bad the people he had done them to were.  
"_Charles?_" Jill's voice in his ear brought him back to the situation- back to the present where he was lying on his scarred stomach, gun aimed perfectly to a woman's head. Yeah, the present sucked just as much as the past did.  
"Yes Jill?" He kept his voice just as cold as usual and he could visualise her flinching at his tone in their black van. After all the years she still had not gotten used to it.  
"_Don't shoot yet- the conversation the General is having is just..._" She was smiling, he could tell. "_You'll never guess who is in the room with her!_" She sounded like an over eager puppy. He nearly smiled- but he hadn't smiled since the day he been taken and he was not sure he even remembered how to smile.  
"Go on, tell me." He rolled his eyes as he shifted slightly, keeping his gun aimed. The woman was still looking in her bag for something. The moment she pulled the card out he would shoot.  
"_John Casey and none other than Sarah Walker- Or as she calls herself now: Ellie Sarah Barter._" The hatred was clear in her tone. Charles tried to ignore how his heart did the first movement in years; he tried to ignore the sudden longing to see her. He silently yelled at himself to get a grip yet his heart suddenly felt heavy. Damn it, he was meant to be over trivial feelings like the nameless one he still felt for Sarah.

"_You okay?_" Jill's voice was a gentle reminder that he had to focus.  
"Of course. I'm always okay- you should know that." He knew she had flinched at that comment. He still did not care. "Are you recording everything?"  
"_Yeah._" Why did she have to sound so sad?  
"Okay- once I finish this shot get ready as usual okay? Remember, we **cannot** ruin this mission." Katrina seemed to look curious as she pulled her hand out of her bag. "She's about to pull the card out."  
"_Okay..._" He knew it still scared Jill how cold he was and to be honest sometimes it scared him too. "_But please, be careful Chu... Charles._"  
"I always am Jill." Katrina fully pulled her hand out, her eyes widening at the sight of the card. Chuck, Charles or whoever he was (he certainly did not know) pulled the trigger without a second thought. Or at least, none of his thoughts showed on the cold surface. He was a good actor. He had never had a choice about it.

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

Sarah sat at the glass table, her fingers fiddled with a small, black pen. "Why did you call us here General? Why both of us after all this time?"  
"I second Wa... Barter's question." Casey sat taller. "Why are we both here?"  
"Have you both heard of 'The Crow'?" The General looked like she had not slept in months, dark lines under her eyes. Both Casey and Sarah nodded quickly. "There's something you should both know- we have not been completely honest with you."  
"When have you ever." Sarah did not even try to stop the comment. She didn't care who she offended.  
"True, but this is different. This is about Chuck Bartowski." That was when both Casey and Sarah sat up.

"Chuck? What about him?" Casey was growling. Sarah could barely close her mouth but she knew he was speaking for both of them.  
"When he first went missing we stopped the search soon after- or at least, we said we did. We kept on looking but they moved him too fast- by the time we gave up looking we had a virus ready- one which should have destroyed the intersect. The plan was goo- if he was no longer the intersect it would mean he would not be tortured for information. What we did not realise was that the virus would seriously damage Chuck." General Beckman avoided all forms of eye-contact. "It was not until a few days later we heard from somebody who knew the location of Chuck."  
Sarah blinked- did that mean when she had left Chuck had been alive? Had she left when she could have saved him? She quickly glanced at Casey and from the shade his skin had turned she knew the same was crossing his mind. "Who? And what has this got to do with The Crow?" Her mind was spinning. Why were they bringing up Chuck after so long? She had just started to get over him... The pieces did not seem to fit in her confused mind.  
"Ask him yourself." General Beckman pressed a button on the small, black remote and the screen split in two, the new half showing a man stand in front of a helicopter, his messy hair moving in the breeze and he pulled his sunglasses off.

"Bryce?" If she had been shocked before she had no idea how she felt as her grip around the pen tightened. "You're alive?"  
"Just about." Bryce did not smile or show any form of emotion. "I'm going to make this quick- The Crow is planning to do a major kill tonight. He is going to kill and I'm not telling you where because if you get involved he won't hesitate to shoot you. Or at least Sparrow won't. She hates your guts." He smirked as his gaze travelled to Casey. "Also, a message from Chuck: He said '_thanks for nothing_'. His words not mine. Of course, the message is a bit old but he still means it." He shifted his gaze back to Sarah. "Trust me when I say that the Crow cares about his opinion a great deal."  
"Chuck's alive?" Was it her or Casey that asked the question? She wasn't sure.  
"Yeah- with the help of a friend I got him out. It was lucky that when I was captured I saw him. They had just pulled him out of a coffin half-dead after they _buried him alive_. He broke after that and in the five days it took me to get to him they didn't stop hurting him because he _couldn't flash_." Bryce's tone was filled with hidden fury, his eyes hard. "When I ask how he did it he only said he thought of the people he _loved_..." The past tense had never hurt Sarah so much. "I offered to get him back to you guys. He said no. They had forced him to see his own funeral. His little heart was broken and I had been the only one to try to save him." He shook his head.  
"Where is he?" Sarah wanted to know. She needed to know. Was he near? After all the time that had passed, all the time she had seen him in her dreams she finally found out she had not lost him... Wait. She had been sure she had seen him in a mission is Egypt. Maybe she hadn't been going insane... Maybe he really had been that close.  
"Near." Bryce looked at the General's direction on his own screen. "By the way... Chuck still is the intersect. The virus you released didn't stop it- it made the thing stronger after landing Chuck in a three day coma. He has almost perfect co-ordination and aiming abilities now."

Casey's question was another that had been at the tip of Sarah's tongue. "What has Chuck got to do with the Crow?"  
"The Crow and him are BFFs." Bryce rolled his eyes. "Look- tonight The Crow is going to kill Shaw. The details are going to be sent to you very soon..."  
That was when the bang filled the air.

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

The woman lay on the floor; just by sight it was clear she was dead. The bullet had killed her instantly and to be honest Sarah doubted that the woman had ever known what was going to happen. Her eyes scanned the people around her- and, for a second, she caught sight of a man dressed in jeans and a white shirt getting into a black van, his eyes meeting hers for just a second. She couldn't stop her legs from making her run towards the van, not even considering anything else. It couldn't be... she wanted it to be but there was no way...

The van kept on driving, moving past her, the black windows hiding whoever was in the van. She froze as it sped past her, the licence plate shining. The van kept on driving and she stared behind it.  
"What's wrong Wal... Barter?" Casey asked the question as he stepped next to her. His eyes were trying not to follow the van.  
"I..." She shook her head. "Nothing, just my imagination. Was it them?"  
"Yes, it was them. They were so close and they got away!" He growled the words in frustration yet neither of them believed them. They had both seen the man get into the van. They had both seen his emotionless face and they were both partly glad they had not been in the situation to grab the Crow. They hated it but they dreaded finding out who he was.

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

Charles' heart was racing. He was shaking ever so slightly as he kept on driving. They had seen him as Jill and he had planned but he had also seen them. He had not been expecting it to hurt so much. He had not thought the feelings he had buried along with his first kill would come back. He had no idea what to do and he didn't like not being in control. He always wanted to know what was going on. He always wanted to be in control.  
"Okay Charles?" Jill climbed into the front, stretching her body gently as she placed herself in the seat. He did not even look at her (he was worried she would see the emotions in his eyes).  
"Of course Jill." He was glad his voice was its usual cold tome. "I'm always okay; you know that better than anyone."  
"Yeah." Jill did not really answer apart from her usual word as she watched him, missing who he had once been. She watched him as he kept on driving. She knew he was always okay... or, at least, he was good at pretending he was.

Charles knew she was watching him yet he never showed it. He knew what was running around her mind and he hated it. He knew she wanted the old him back. He knew she feared the new him and he knew she didn't believe he was fine. He agreed with her. He hated the new him as well but if he let his carefully made plan fall apart then he would not be able to cope. It was his safety net. Maybe things could have been different (maybe) if somebody had saved him sooner. But nobody had. He had broken and changed and done what he had to so he could survive. He had tried to make it and to do so he had lost Chuck to become Charles (the Crow. A killer.) and he was scared. He was so scared of seeing Casey and Sarah again and he knew why. He knew it because if they found out he was the Crow he would have to kill them. He did not know if he would be able to kill them and he did not wish to find out.

Jill's phone silently buzzed and as she glanced down at the message she felt her heart freeze.  
'_You sure we should so this? B._' She took a deep breath. Was she sure? No.  
'_Yes. Send the message. J._' It was the only option.

**CHUCKCHUCKCHUCKCHUCK**

Ellie Sarah Barter's phone also buzzed seconds later and when she opened the text it was a single address and a message- it was an address and then it simply said: _B there. Chuck will b. _  
She wasn't going to miss it for the world.

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So? Good? Bad? Please review and let me know! X  
Remember... no flames!

**Love,  
J.**


	4. Don't let it show

**A/N: H**ey! Sorry about the delay, my uncle had a stroke and I've been really busy/distracted. Am I forgiven?

I know many of you found last chapter confusing but you just read too into it. Everything was happening in the present, only his rescue was in the past. He was killing Kat AS Casey and Sarah had the meeting. :) Sorry about any confusion!

Thanks for reviewing and sorry for any mistakes.

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**Don't let it show. **_Keep it all inside._ **Everything is a lie.** _Trust no one._ **Smile.** _Remember not to cry._ **Don't warn the target.** _Don't let them get away._ **Don't miss the shot.** _Don't be seen._ **Keep the game.** _Don't look away._ **Do.** _Don't._ **Lie.** _Act._ **Get ready. **_Fire._ **Flirt.** _Kill._ **Be anyone but you.** _Don't let it show._ **Keep it all inside.** _Don't cry._ **Forget.**

Sarah took a tiny sip from her drink as her eyes scanned the room. She caught a glimpse of her reflection. She wore a long red dress and her long blonde hair barely reached her small waist. Her eye makeup was plain yet her lips were a deep red which matched the dress. She looked young and fragile- the two words she hated having to affiliate with herself. She only paused a second to look at herself before quickly looking away. It had been a very long time since she had been able to look at herself in the mirror and hold her own gaze. Since the day she had lost Chuck to be precise. It hurt too much to see what a failure she had become.

Casey was standing behind the bar, his face blank as he passed a drink to another of the rich men who had gathered for the party. When his eyes met Sarah's he gave a small nod to her, clearly asking if she was okay. She smiled at the man who had been trying to chat her up (he was far too slimy for what she liked) and walked to the bar. She ordered another drink with a small nod. She had not gone out with anyone since she had allowed Chuck to be taken. Nobody had been anywhere near what (who) she wanted. Nobody was half as good as Chuck. She hadn't even looked twice at anyone.

Thinking about it, she had never had feelings as strong as she had for Chuck for anyone else- there was no one half as kind, gentle and generally as _perfect_ as Chuck was. He was the kind of person who was who he appeared and would always be how he was. No amount of hurt could change him in her eyes. It was Chuck she loved and no matter how hard she tried (which wasn't very) she could not imagine Chuck any way but how he was when she had last seen him. Deep down she knew he would be different after what had been done to him (she could only imagine and _God_ she wished it had only happened in her mind) and she knew he would be broken but she could not see him as anything (anyone) but the loving Chuck she had grown close to. The Chuck she missed- not the scared Chuck she had last seen. The last she had seen of Chuck had broken her heart and still haunted her dreams. The last time she had seen her gentle Chuck they had taken him away from her and she had been unable to help. She had been useless as he screamed her name.

Her eyes ran over each man in the room, wandering which one was The Crow. Bryce had told her that Chuck was working with The Crow. Why would he do that? Surely Chuck would have seen how cold this person was- what was stopping them from killing Chuck? She shivered at the idea. She had just been told her Chuck was alive – she had just been told she was not insane and when she was in Egypt she might have actually seen Chuck. But why had he walked away? She had called out his name and run after him but he had just disappeared. Why had he left her again if he was back?

Her head hurt from the force of every thought which hit her.

Her heart burnt from all the possibilities her brain suggested.

What if Chuck no longer loved her? She had no idea what she was going to do if Chuck had stopped loving her but she knew it would only be fair. She had made him wait; never taking into consideration how much it must have hurt him to have to watch her flirt (and more) with other guys. She had never even bothered to tell him that there was a real chance she might love him more than she had ever loved anyone.

If Chuck no longer loved her she knew it would hurt and she knew that no matter how hard she would try to deny it she would feel like her purpose was gone. Without Chuck she was nothing- she was no longer the heartless spy she had once perfectly imitated and if he was not there she had nobody to live for. If there was one thing Sarah hated it was being without a purpose. After s many years of training after training and mission after mission she knew that she would not be able to function properly without a purpose.

The idea of Chuck no longer loving her was... it made her feel physically sick. There was only one possibility which made her feel worse and it was one Casey had suggested just hours earlier.

There was only one idea which made Sarah Walker feel even worse than what she already felt and no matter how hard she tried the idea (the possibility) was always there, following her like an unwanted shadow. It made her heart pause and no matter how hard she tried to deny it. It was a fact she had been taught at the very beginning along with "_don't look back_".

The fact was one she had hated her father for telling her.

The fact was one she knew very well to be true.

The fact was undeniable and hateful.

The fact had been one of the last things she had told Chuck.

Sarah Walker... The name no longer seemed fitting to her. It was a gentle name, easy to say and something which seemed to hold an innocence Sarah had started to see did not exist in her world. Sarah Walker was just another ghost but the ghost who was trying to run from the truth.

Everybody Talks. It's that simple. Even the best spies break and talk- some sooner than others but in the end everybody talks. Some spies can last a while but there was (is) no running from the fact that Chuck was no spy.

Chuck was a skinny, untrained, _kind_ young man and Sarah knew that he would not have lasted long under torture... no. She had been proven wrong for that fact. Chuck had held on far longer than any spy she had ever met. Chuck had held on to whatever string of hope he had for longer than Sarah had ever believed.

So even like that she let him down. He let him down with her lack of faith in him. She let him down because she had not tried to get out of her restrains hard enough. Maybe if she had pulled that bit harder she could have freed herself. Maybe she would have been able to save him. But she hadn't tried hard enough and she had let him down. She had allowed him to be taken and she had no idea who he was.

Everybody talks and _everybody changes_. If you're put under the right amount of torture for the right amount of time you change. Sarah knew it and she had seen it happen many times. Good men became people which had once been a product of their nightmares. They became the people they had promised themselves never to become.

Who had Chuck become? She was lying to herself if she did not admit that Chuck would still be Chuck. She would be lying if she thought he would still have the little things that had always made him so easy to love- the smile, the laugh and even that look. The look he gave her when she did something that came natural yet he thought it was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. It was the look which she had only ever seen in babies' eyes before- a pure, kind look which was impossible to fake and once lost impossible to regain. It was a look which did not belong in her world of murder and lies.

Because that was what she was. Sarah Walker knew that she was the darkness. She was the darkness which slivered in the shadows seeking to be saved by the light. She had never had a choice when it came to becoming what (who) she was. She had never had a choice when it came to being a part of the darkness and she had grown used to her world made of shadows. Then Chuck had danced into her life and without even knowing it he took her long dead heart and made it beat.

Chuck was the light. He was the light and the good which made the world worth living in. He was the light which danced and was slowly becoming harder to find. Chuck was the light which should never meet the darkness Sarah was. Not all the darkness in the entire world could put out the light of a single candle but Sarah knew it would only take one man. Chuck was the candle which held all the pure light in the world and Sarah had been the darkness. Chuck was the good and Sarah was the bad.

They were completely different from each other.

Chuck had been attracted to the darkness and like all beings he had slowly been infected by the poison she was made of. She had poisoned him without even wanting to and he had loved her for it. The light had fallen in love with the dark and the dark had known it could not be.

Sarah had known from the start, when she still scolded herself for imagining what life would be like if she admitted how she felt, how it would end. There was no way light and dark could be together because one would have to be the stronger one than the two and it would have to kill off the other. Sarah knew the only way they could be together would be if she... they could only be together if Chuck became like her.

Sarah had hated herself for longing to be with him but she had no control over it. She had wanted him to be hers just as much as she had wanted to stop feeling what she was feeling. She had tried pushing him away. She had tried talking. She had only fallen deeper into the pit of emotions revolving around Chuck. He had become the light of her world and she had unknowingly poisoned him.

Even if Chuck had not been taken that day she knew that she had left a mark in his life and there was no way he could ever be who he had been. Darkness always took the light, slowly but the darkness took. It would eat and eat until no light was left. Sarah had started the process with her first smile when he was still just a mission and then she had placed Chuck in the hands of those who were going to finish what she had started. It wasn't a fairytale and light never really won because there was always more darkness than light.

Sarah knew if (when) they met again Chuck would no longer be the light she had fallen in love with and she knew she would still love him with all her being. When she had seen him in Egypt her heart had leapt to life in a way that had made her entire body freeze. She had seen him and she had frozen in a way a spy was not meant to freeze. She had only seen him for a second but in that second she had fallen in love all over again as if it was the first time.

He had stood where he was for a second which lasted what felt like a year. His hair was cut short and it was slick. He wore a black top with long sleeves and a collar yet he did not look hot. His jeans were ripped and black. Everything about him had made him look as if he was part of Sarah's world.

He looked dangerous as he scanned the area around him with the look of a cat looking for a mouse. He looked astute and he was clearly ready to run. He held himself with a pride Sarah had never seen in him before. He was different but the only thing she saw was the fact that it was _him_. Her Chuck was only metres away. The moment he saw her he paused before walking away.

Sarah had chased him but he had disappeared into the crowd of people like the shadow she had never wanted him to be.

Sarah _needed_ to see him again.

She did not care what her bosses said to her or even what Casey said. She _needed_ to see Chuck. She felt like an alcoholic who knew their favourite drink was just a room away. She needed Chuck like the alcoholic needed that drink. It was in her nature to reach out to the light and she only hoped Chuck would still want to take her hand.

Would he still love her?

Who had he become?

They were two questions she feared. She hoped harder than she had ever hoped before that Chuck still loved her even after her mistakes. The second question she tried to avoid.

Who was Chuck after everything that happened?

She could not imagine Chuck as a cold blooded killer or a spy but they were both two very likely options. There was no way he was who he had been.

She ran her fingers through her hair and as Casey walked over to her she smiled.

"Is everything _satisfactory_ Miss?" He asked the question politely to keep their cover but she knew he was asking if she had spotted Shaw or Chuck.  
"Yes, thank you. I'm still _enjoying_ the view." She replied in her own code which told him that she was still looking for both of them. "Have you seen our _host_?" She said the word host like she would say the word target. Was Shaw their target or were they saving his life? Were they doing both?  
"Sadly not." Casey smirked. "But I _can't wait_ until he does show up." There was no code in his sentence because it was loud and clear what he was saying to both of them. If Shaw had anything to do with what had happened and been done to Chuck he would not be found alive if either Casey or Sarah were left alone with him and they would both cover for each other.

Casey was one of the few people who knew the truth yet still stuck by Sarah. He had loved Chuck in his own special way and at the time he had denied it but the denial had become acceptance. Chuck had become a dear friend to him and loosing him had hurt Casey.

Sarah knew Casey never let anyone in so losing somebody he had let in had hit him hard no matter how much he denied it. They had both loved Chuck and Sarah could not help but wonder why darkness was so attracted to him. Since the moment Bryce had sent that email Chuck had been a condemned man. He had been living on a countdown.

Thanks to that email the shadows had found him again but they had always been attached to his life.  
His love Jill had been part of the shadows.  
Bryce had been part of the shadows and his attempt to save Chuck from the darkness had only delayed the inevitable. The shadows had still found him and there had been no hiding.

It only proved that it really is true that good people suffer the most.

Casey smiled kindly before turning back to a random man who wanted another drink t make him even tipsier. Sarah envied the people around her for being able to drink before going home and curling up in someone's arms. She had never had the chance to get home chilly after a long day at her normal job before going up the stairs and curling up in bed with her love.

She doubted that dream would ever happen. She would never get the normal life with the man she loved. She would never get the boring job which would make her frustrated because she was slightly bored. She would never get home and get to see Chuck's happy smile at the fact she was home early. She would never be able to make him breakfast or complain because he had let the garden get messy or he was giving the dog too much food. No matter how hard she whished she knew she would never get those things.

The things she dreamed about would always only be in her dreams because they were the things which the people she protected from bad people like 'The Crow' got. People like her would never get it because they did not really deserve it.

Her only chance for happiness had been taken away and she could only dream about his arms wrapped tightly around her as she snuggled closer.

Every moment brought new doubts and dreads which were filled with questions.

Why was Chuck helping 'The Crow'?

Would Chuck be anything like the scared man who had been dragged away from her?

Sarah Walker scanned the room once again as if to find the answer to her many questions. Not a man in the room held a candle to her Chuck and as the large door guest had stopped pouring in from opened her mouth opened a tiny millimetre.

The answers to all her questions walked into the room.

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So? Please review and let me know. Next chapter is completely from Chuck's POV but I thought we needed to see how Sarah is feeling.  
They WILL get to talk in chapter six. :D

**Love,  
J.**

Ps. What pairing do you want this story to be? Chuck/Sarah, Chuck/Jill or anything else? The majority wins so let me know! X


	5. Lie

**A/N:** Hey. Yes, I am indeed alive. I'm sorry about the stupid wait for this chapter but life isn't good. The bullying has gotten worse, my nan has depression since my grandad died... I'm just out of energy. Hope you all like this chapter. It's the Xmas holliday so big kisses to all of you and the next few updates should be fairly soon. xx

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**Lie.** _Pretend._ **Fake.** _Act._ **False.** _Hidden._ **Alone.** _Don't trust anyone._ **Nobody is coming.** _Crawl._ **Hit.** _Fall. _**Bleed.** _Scream. _**Silence. **_Remember to forget. _**Do not. **_Follow orders. _**Get ready. **_Aim. _**Fire.** _Kill._ **Stop. **_Run._ **Never look back.** _Look out for yourself. _**Smile. **_Walk away. _**Change. **_Convince. _**Get what you need.** _Don't turn your back._ **Keep your lips sealed. **_Hidden meanings._ **Don't cry. **_Don't love._ **Smile.** _Look away._

From the moment he had entered the room, Charles could feel people looking at him. He easily hid the fact he noticed it by taking Jill's arm and pulling her closer so that to anyone looking it looked like a lover's embrace. He placed his other hand on her other arm and leaned forwards, till his lips were only millimetres from her ear. He moved his left hand and moved a stray piece of hair off her face. He kept his eyes down so it looked like his eyes were half open, so nobody would see the coldness and bitterness hidden within them.

Life seemed to have truly ruined him, he mused inside his cunning mind. He wanted to laugh at the memory of who he had been and who he could have been if he'd never been broken. All the goodness he could remember possessing seemed to have drained away and he was only a shell of what he had been forced to become.

His lips parted and he whispered the words gently. "It won't work Jill."  
He could feel her tense under his hands and he let out a small sigh as she looked up into his eyes and whispered back the question which they both knew the answer to. "What won't?"

Charles smiled bitterly as he moved his left hand to the side of her face. "Sarah? Really? Are you that desperate to get the old me back?" Her eyes were large and sad as he moved his face even closer. "Disappointing. But, oh well! I do _LOVE_ a good reunion." He caressed her cheek with his thumb. "Remember what you have to do. This place goes up in flames in an half an hour." He gently kissed her lips as another set of people passed, smiling at the sight of such a sweet young couple. When he pulled away, her eyes were sadder than ever before. "I'll see you soon _honey._" He grinned happily and she nodded, the spy in her kicking in and a smile covered her face and she turned around, her long black dress swirling with her. Her hair _swoshed _with the quick movement.

Charles looked down at his watch. Fifteen minutes till the target arrived. Nine hundred long seconds to fill. He was close to flinching from the intensity of the staring coming from the general direction he knew Sarah and Casey were at.

He suddenly wanted to swear at Jill. He wasn't... He had no idea how he was going to keep the act up. He wasn't the same Chuck they wanted him to be and he knew after what he had survived he was never going to be anything like that sweet, naive boy who just wanted Sarah to give him a centimetre to every mile he gave her. No matter how hard Charles tried, Chuck was buried so deep within him he was almost completely free of him.  
But no matter how hard he tried, even as he walked across the wooden floor, he just wanted to cry at the sight of Casey and Sarah.

They were the first physical reminder of his past he had encountered apart from Bryce and Jill. Yes, he had checked up on his sister from a safe distance, making sure nobody went after her and that she had no silly problems like money issues or people making her life a misery. He watched her from a distance, sending her unmarked birthday presents and Christmas presents... things she believed to be from their father. Not that he minded because in all honesty that was better than her knowing the truth.

She'd never seen him watching her and he was happy with that. He kept an eye on her health online and making sure job opportunities seemed to pass her and Awesome's way. It was all perfect and as he walked the opposite way of his destination he smiled at how it was so easy to get Sarah to follow him, trusting that he would not try to harm her.

He honestly didn't know if such a presumption would be correct or not.

He wasn't the same person they had been waiting for and he wasn't the person they were hunting. Both would be acts he could not fully maintain because he was stuck in an unhappy middle, not knowing who or what he was.

He'd been forced to learn how to fight and kill. He had been forced to learn how to break a person with no more than a few well placed words.

There was no... Naivety left in him. That had been killed years earlier and he sometimes missed it. The films he had once loved were no more than a laugh as he looked for something different. Not that he really had the energy to watch films or even read.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd read for any form of pleasure.

He sent a small smile towards the large mirror on the wall, using it to make eye contact with the beautiful blonde that sat staring at him like a frozen rabbit.

It broke what was left of his heart to admit he was nothing like the man she had once been close to loving. The childlike charm that had made her smile was replaced with knowledge of weapons and the cheesy jokes were replaced with calculated lines.

There was a world of difference between what had been and what was.

He sent a small wink her way before slipping away, making it easy for her to follow him. He walked no quicker than any other person and he made special effort not to walk as quietly as he usually did. Funnily enough, it made him want to laugh that he couldn't even remember the last time he had done something clumsy.

That had been chocked out of him as he used the last of his air in his living coffin, nails scratching and...

No.

Some memories were left untouched.

All that mattered was the present.

...

There's always a moment in our lives where we freeze and pray to whatever we believe that everything is a nightmare because what we are seeing is too awful to be real.

Violence is a bit like a dance and it's our basic instinct to go along with the _flow_ it has. It is a basic part of our fight or flight instinct. When you become a spy you teach yourself the dance, learning how to not look twice as you take another's life. You learn to ignore the casualties as long as they aren't somebody that matters to the job. Don't get too close and don't get attached.

Sometimes, when the moment comes, even the best agent's training can disappear when they are compromised by their own feelings. Maybe that was what happened next as Sarah's back smashed into the wall and her hands were easily pinned above her head before she even caught her breath again. Not that it really mattered because as she looked at her attacker her lungs seemed to clam shut, not allowing her mind to focus like it was trained to.

This was one of those moments because after all, even if she had been able to breathe, she wouldn't have been able to do anything but freeze as her very blood seemed to turn to red ice at the sight of the man holding her like a ragdoll.

There was a seductiveness to how the man posed himself that caused her to be able to do nothing but stare. She was an agent and she seen many a men pose themselves like he did yet as she searched his sullen eyes for any sign of the innocence she had been missing for what felt like a life time. But, no matter how hard she stared there were no clues that he was faking the coldness that was slowly swallowing her body like a poison, contrasting against the pure _heat _of his grip on her.

Neither of them spoke as the distant sound of music echoed in a different part of the world that had seemed to create itself around them like a little bubble. Both of their breaths merged into two very different sounds as a smirk took over the face of the man who had changed beyond belief.  
"So," a gentle clicking of his tongue followed his first word, "I guess we meet again Miss-Newly Fledged Ellie." His eyes rolled as his smirk remained. "Seriously though, _Ellie_? You named yourself after my sister?" He shook his head before he allowed a chuckle to leave his lips. "So _very_ wrong." An eyebrow popped up. "I think we should stick with Sarah."

"Chuck."

It had been a long time since she had spoken his name to anyone but herself and the name tasted bitter in her mouth. Like a child repeating a bad word they did not fully understand she barely had any control of what she had spoken.

"It's good to see you still have your skills at observation." He kept grinning yet the smile faltered slightly as she used that version of his name. "Miss me?"

He wasn't playful like he had been. He knew exactly what he was doing and as his grip tightened the smile became just as empty as his eyes.

"Yes." She had no purpose in lying to him. "Miss me?"

His smile grew. "Surprisingly, yes." He glanced around. "So, d'you come here often? Some bad people hang out here."  
"People like you?" The question felt far too natural as it echoed in the small space between them.  
"Maybe. Why don't you tell me? Am I a bad person?"

It was a challenge, they both knew that. He was playing the type of game spies played because he was turning the answer on her. There was no right answer.

"No, I don't think you are." Her arms hurt from his grip and her chest was moving erratically as she struggled to keep breathing.

The smile disappeared.

"I've done some very bad things Sarah." He leaned even closer. "Very, very bad things."

"We've all done bad things. Sometimes it's all you can do to survive." She made no attempt to move further away or closer. She wasn't sure which option she preferred.

"I've read your file." He gave a fake smile at her flinch. "I've done worse than you. Surprising really. You've done some _bad_ things." He never even glanced away."I've done some horrific things really."

No guilt could be heard in his voice as he made the observation. Maybe he felt no guilt or maybe he was good at hiding the guilt. Sarah couldn't work it out as she frowned slightly at him.

"You're still Chuck."

For her that was probably the truth.

For him that felt like a death sentence because for him it felt like salt on a wound. Because she wasn't talking to him. She was talking to the corpse of who he had once been. She wasn't even seeing him because when the penny dropped she would look at him like Jill and Bryce did. The look he saw when they thought he wasn't really looking so they allowed themselves to let their defences fall down.

He had gotten far better at reading people.

"No, sweetie, I'm really not." He offered her another empty smile and Sarah couldn't help but wonder if those were the only smiles he had left to offer. "I stopped being him when I realised that you were actually right."

"About what?"

"Don't you remember?" He laughed and she wanted to weep at the sound. Like the laugh of a clown it was filled with nothing but hot air. "It was one of the last things you said to me before I was taken." He moved so his cheek rubbed against hers when he whispered the next bit in her ear. "_Everybody Talks_." He pulled away again yet remained close to her. "You were completely right. If trained agents can be forced to talk, so could one little nerd."

"I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper.

"What for? Being right?" He shook his head. "Don't be silly. Don't be sorry for being right."

"I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe." She had said the words a thousand times since he was gone and it showed in her voice. "It was my job to keep you safe and I failed."  
"True." He nodded, yet there was no anger or any change in his expression. "Apology not accepted." He winked at her. "I stopped forgetting and forgiving a while ago. It didn't help me much."

She didn't really know what response she had been expecting. Some sort of emotional response was involved in what she wanted yet his face barely even twitched. He didn't care what she said because he didn't have the energy left to care about anything. He was so emotionally drained he had forgotten what it felt like to be alive.

"Not much of my personality helped my cause." He kept talking as if he was just mentioning the weather. "I was like one those puppies people can't help but kick." He shrugged, not moving from his position or even lightening his grip on her wrists. He didn't trust her enough to let her even move freely.  
"But you got away. Alive." Sarah's voice was gentle, as if trying to remind him there was still kindness in the world. If he noticed what she was doing, which he probably did, he said nothing.  
"Did I?"

They were both clever enough to know what he meant and Sarah felt the need to either weep or hug him. Neither was an option at that moment because no matter how hard it was to admit, she knew he wasn't the same person she had been waiting for. She had let that man die when she hadn't been strong enough to keep him safe.

"Darling, I'm a spy. I kill people." He tapped the side of her face with his newly free hand. "Everyone dies when they get involved with this sort of job. You did. I did. Casey did." He smiled almost gently. "We've all died at least once in our lives. You didn't cause my death you were just simply a step to me getting here. The first step was when I downloaded the government's secrets into my head."

"You don't have to have this life though. You could always go back." She was about as close to begging as she was ever going to get. "Your family is still waiting."

"I can't go back." The lack of change in his voice was starting to hurt her more than any physical violence could. "None of us can. Would you be able to just go to a normal life tomorrow?" Silence. "Of course not. Once you've killed you in for good. No exceptions. No running away."

He was right, of course. There was no going back for a spy when they had killed because if that doesn't change a person nothing will. The first time you take a life something in you will die and that emptiness will be filled with ideas of duty and whatever else your bosses are bombarding you with. She had been in the game long enough to be able to just look at an agent and know if they were too far gone to get out.

Chuck was far too gone. The job hadn't just gotten in his veins; it had tainted and changed them until he was barely the shell of the man who had once lived with his name.

But maybe a shell was better than nothing.

"It wouldn't be running away."

"For me it would." His eyes looked tired as he glanced at his watch once again. "I can't go back. I have nothing to go back for."

"You have your family. Ellie, Awesome and Morgan." Maybe he was giving her some rope but the purpose hadn't been determined yet. Was it to give her a fighting chance at changing his mind or to hang herself with? "They never stopped missing you."

"It would kill them if they saw who I am now." For the first time in years, his smile was almost tender as he rested his forehead on hers. "Just like it killed Jill. Just like it killed Bruce." His voice dropped a level. "Just like it's killing you."

Of course it was. Chuck couldn't blame her for how she was feeling. If he ever took the time to pause and think about all the things he had lost since he had been taken he wanted to fully die too. At least, unlike her, he hadn't spent years missing him and feeling guilty about what had happened. He had forced himself to get over everything he had once believed in so he could shape himself a new future.

But he couldn't blame her for wanting to cry when she saw how different he really was. If the same had happened to Ellie he probably would have died. If it had happened to Sarah he would have died.

(If it had happened to anyone he loved he would have died.)

It didn't take much to see how her eyes had faded since they had started talking or how she had paled slightly. Under his grip her weight had become heavier as if she had just sagged down, weighed down because she couldn't hold herself up.

Her blonde hair rested carefully on her face and when her eyes finally looked down Chuck almost wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault. He didn't blame her for what had happened.

He'd never been able to blame anything on her.

He'd never really wanted to.

"Just like a cancer." He sighed at his own wording. That was what all the past years had turned him into. A cancerous killer. "Not good for the health."

She remained silent under his eyes yet she managed to do something neither Jill nor Bryce had after they realised the full extent of how broken he was. She managed to look at him.

"You're not a cancer." She kept his gaze as stubbornly as he remembered her being. "You're a human being."  
"A very damaged human being."  
"Aren't we all?"

Sarah smiled gently. "If you just listen things can be okay again."  
"No, they can't. We both know that." His reply was certain. It was like he had thought about the possibilities too many times to believe there were any other options. "There's only so much superglue in the world."  
"Then we'll have to use stickers." Humour. Chuck wasn't sure how to deal with it. It had been a very long time since anyone had used humour with him. If it was up to them, most people wouldn't speak to him much anyway. He gave a tiny smirk at how quickly she had contradicted him and it only hurt him more when he realised how much he'd missed being normal. But he wasn't normal. He'd never been normal.

"Just be grateful I draw the line after killing bad people. I try to not hurt anyone else." His eyebrows did a tiny dance and at any other time she would have smiled.

"Is that why you're here?" It was her job to ask. She couldn't help it.

"Indeed. A whole building filled with bad people. How could I resist?" Another glance at his watch.

"You do realise we can't let you hurt them." It wasn't a question.

"Of course!" He put the fake grin back on. "That, my dear, is half the fun."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Trust me, you wouldn't be the first."

Yet neither of them moved as the sounds from the party only seemed to get louder. Both of them were breathing slightly faster than they usually would. Sarah's face was red, flushed from the heat of two bodies pressed so closely together.

Neither spoke as they kept breathing, fingers curling and eyes refusing to look away. They were frozen in place, neither knowing what the other was going to do next and both fearing the other would be the first to break the silence. They were both slightly afraid of what was going to come next because they knew the game far too well.

They had both been changed by their job to the point that they didn't even trust themselves not to betray them. They had seen too many horrors to view the world in the same way.

It was what the job did to people.

"So what happens now?" Chuck asked the question as lightly as he could, trying not to let the weight of his emotions show in his voice.

"I'll have to try and stop you from hurting anyone." It was her job.

"What if you can't?" Once again she got the feeling that he was mocking her. "What if I hurt people?"

"You won't."

He was playing games that she was struggling to keep a hold of and the reality of the situation weighed heavy on her shoulders. For the first time than night she realised that her and Chuck weren't on the same team. They were playing against each other in a very big game.

"Maybe I will. You don't know me well enough to know what I could do." It wasn't a threat yet the words were hard. "Not yet anyway."  
"Should I presume you're not going to kill me then?"  
"I'd never kill you." He smirked. "That would take the fun away. I've only just met you again. Something I must thank Jill for."

She must have frowned.

"Don't you worry yourself about it. I'm just a kid playing in very big puddles. I'm trying to see how much damage I can make before I get poorly." Maybe it was a metaphor for death or maybe not. Chuck's way of talking was starting to confuse the blonde.

"Every kid needs somebody." Her voice almost broke when she saw the flash of sadness in his eyes.

"Not every kid gets it though." His fingers twitched slightly. "Nobody gets to truly be a kid for long. We all learn too much of the world too soon."

"It doesn't mean we have to let it change us to the point even we don't know who we are."

"Of course we do. That's why we always change our names. It's because we can't find one that feels right. We've lost who we are because we've done unspeakable things no child could dream of."

"Please, Chuck, if you ever cared about me you'll stop this before you get in too deep." She was literally begging. "_Please_."

"I stopped loving you a long time ago." The lie rolled off his tongue in a way he once would have found impossible. "I'll see you soon Samantha." The smile was back on Chuck's pale face as he placed a mocking kiss onto her trembling lips, his eyes nearly closing before he pulled back. "But for now you should rest. It'll make that headache better." If she hadn't been so frozen by the kiss Sarah would have seen what came next a mile away.

But, her heart had gotten in the way and as she felt her head slam into the wall and the world swarm around her all in a mass of lights there was only one thing she could focus on. Chuck held her until she was on the floor and even then he held her for the other second there was before she lost consciousness.

She wasn't awake for the kiss he placed on her forehead before he left her.

He had three minutes left before everything fell down and his true intentions were revealed.

* * *

So? Good? Bad? Please review and let me know. I'm so very sorry about how long this has taken but reviews always help. This story **will** officially be Chuck/Sarah.

Thank you for waiting this long AND actually reading. Please don't flame me.

**Love,  
J.**


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